On the afternoon of the very first day of school, my kids’ beloved bus driver passed away suddenly. He dropped them off earlier that day, and then, just over an hour later, he was gone. I found myself struggling with grief for this man who was so kind and patient with our kids, who I’d only just spoken to, who was younger than my parents. What was I going to say to my kids? I wanted to be as honest with them as I could, but not traumatize them. This was the first time either of us had lost someone they’d known well, someone who they saw almost daily.
When the school sent out an email to let us know of his passing, they were thoughtful and kind enough to include information from Full Circle Grief Center on how to talk to our kids about death. This info really helped me to put my thoughts into words and to know what to look out for. I thought I’d share what I learned here.
- Be Honest and Use Clear Language- Use the words dying or dead, instead of confusing terms like, He passed away, We lost him, etc.
- Encourage Them To Ask Questions- Answer as honestly and clearly as you can. I gently asked my son if he had questions several times throughout the course of the day before he opened up.
- Share Your Feelings- I usually try not to cry in front of my kids, but they recommend letting your kids see that you’re sad and not trying to hide your tears. It can make them feel less alone when they know you’re hurting too.
- All Feelings Should Be Welcomed- Kids may feel anger, fear, or even seem like they feel nothing at all, instead of feeling grief. They may be feeling multiple feelings at once or experience different feelings as time passes. Let them know that it’s ok to express whatever feelings they’re having, good or bad.
- Be Patient and Observant- Give your child time to process the news. They may want to talk, but it may take them hours or days to feel ready to put their feelings into words. My son is not very verbal about his feelings, but I noticed that he’d been acting oddly all day, kind of goofy, jumpy, etc. I finally just told him to come sit on my lap and gently asked him what was going on and that’s when he opened up and started to ask questions.
- Talk To Them About Safety- Death, especially a sudden death like this one, can make kids feel unsafe. That’s one of the things my son said to me. He had lots of questions about bad guys and even guns. It’s important to remind kids of everything in their lives that is keeping them safe: loving parents, a house with locks, seat belts, etc.
- Create A Way to Honor The Person Who Died-Brainstorm with your kids to find a special way to remember the person you’ve lost. My kids decided to plant some seeds in our garden and rename our garden gnome after their bus driver.
The sudden death of this special man has shaken us all this week. The silver lining (Sometimes you have to look really hard.) is that it’s also taught us to remember that life is fragile and precious. We all need to remember how much we love each other every day and act accordingly. This had been said many times before, but please hug your family close tonight, call your grandmother, send a text to your step-brother, pass on the loving legacy of this man taken from the world too soon. Thank you.
Erin
