mom guilt

Good Morning Ladies,

Are you like me? Do you constantly beat yourself up for not meeting your own impossible expectations? We all really need to cut that out right now!  When you become a mother, you don’t turn in your human card and you don’t suddenly stop having needs of your own. It’s about damn time we start giving ourselves the break we deserve!  This post is really like a therapy session for me, but I hope it can help all of you beautiful mamas to give the mom guilt a rest!

Today I Am Giving Myself Permission….

• To Take Time For Myself– It took me too long to stop equating going to Body Back or hiring a babysitter to go out to dinner as selfish. I used to only go out for the night after my kids were already asleep. Every parent needs time to themselves and time away from their kids to recharge their batteries. If I don’t take it, I can’t be the mom that my kids deserve.
• To Reach For That Second Cup of Coffee or Alcoholic Beverage- Yes, I may have a slight addiction to caffeine and I may use alcohol to relax after  bedtime, but back off! After all, the days are long, but the years are short. At least that’s what every sweet old lady at Target keeps telling me!

• To Say No– I’ve struggled with this my entire life, but it is ok to say no to friends and family when what they’re asking for just won’t work for you. I know it doesn’t feel good to have someone upset with you, but no one has ever died from disappointment. They’ll get over it and you’ll learn to put your own needs first.
• To Have My Own Tantrum– We deal with loads of obnoxious and frustrating things daily with patience and grace, but sometimes we’re having a bad day, we’re sick, it’s “shark week”, etc. and we just can’t take it anymore! You’re allowed to cry, yell, have a timeout outside, whatever you need.

• To Throw Away My Bathroom Scale– I need to do this for my own sanity, and I think you should too. Enough said.
• To Not Clean My House– This is not a, you shouldn’t clean your house because you should be busy playing with your kids, thing. This is a, put the vacuum away and let the dishes sit in the sink while you sit on the couch with a trashy magazine, thing. God knows you deserve a break!

• To Lock the Bathroom Door While I’m Taking a Bath– My kids can live without me for fifteen minutes. Yes kids, you do have two parents who are capable of opening the fridge.

• To Not Send That Thank You Note–  If you know me, please never send me another thank you note. I know you are thankful for me and I am thankful for you. I’m always forgetting to send them, especially for my kids’ birthdays, and, when I do remember, they are always late. We can’t be perfect, and that’s ok.
• To Let My Kids Watch Too Much TV– I know this is a hot topic, but sometimes I just have so much to get done and I can’t answer another question about which Pokemon I would want to be. It’s ok to let TV be your babysitter once in a while. I watched a ton of it as a kid and I turned out, debatably, fine!

• To Order Takeout- I love to cook and I do try to serve my kids a vegetable with every meal, but I’m no Gwyneth. My kids eat their fair share of McDonalds and Taco Bell, and they haven’t grown any extra body parts from all of that processed food yet!
• To Go To Bed at 9 pm on Friday With No Shame– I still love a good night out, but sometimes it’s ok to admit that you’re not as young as you used to be and turn in early. Most days I’m exhausted all afternoon, but then have trouble sleeping at night so now, when I get the urge to pass out right after my kids are in bed, I take it.

• To Lose My Temper– Yes, I yell at my kids. I get in bad moods, and I have bad days. I am not a perfect parent, and my kids don’t need me to be.
• To Love My Mom Bod– This has been especially tough as I inch closer to forty. My metabolism has slowed to an almost complete stop and, despite my best efforts, my weight has been creeping up. I’m trying to accept my new body, and, instead of being disappointed or critical, to remember everything that it has accomplished and to be grateful for how healthy it is overall.

• To Bust Out in Spontaneous Song and Dance When My Kids Leave for a Night at Their Grandparents’ House– I love my kids, but that doesn’t mean I have to spend every waking moment with them. It’s ok to be excited and happy to have some time away from them, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just makes you an honest one.

• To Take a Compliment– No more shrugging off compliments! No more, “Yeah, well, anyone can do that.” No more, “This, no, it’s not that special.” Let’s try, “Yes, you’re right. That does look great on me.” or, “Yes, I am awesome at that!” I mean, you don’t need to say that aloud, a simple thank you is great, but you get the point. Stop downplaying compliments! Now is the time to accept that you are awesome and appreciated!
• To Celebrate and Appreciate Myself– Why am I so good at loving and taking care of my family and friends, but horrible at being caring and kind to myself? We all deserve to be cared for and feel special, especially when we put so much time and effort into giving to others. Though it would be nice, I can’t expect someone else to do it for me. I’m working on loving and caring for myself by trying to treat myself the way I treat other people I care about. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there!

Just in case it wasn’t clear, I’m also giving YOU permission to do all of these things, and anything else you need to do to keep sane. Not that you need my permission, of course, but you can feel free to blame me if you get any negative feedback while you’re taking care of yourself for a change. In fact, you can even send me the complainer’s phone number. I’ll sort them out! And don’t forget:

♥ Erin

When my youngest daughter, Nora, was 18 months old, I was watching an old video of my other daughter, Violet, from when she was a bit younger than that. She was talking so clearly and suddenly it made me realize that Nora really wasn’t. In fact, she was really only saying a few basic words (mom, uh-oh, no) and had actually stopped saying a word or two that she’d been saying before. Instantly, all of the mom-guilt started kicking in. How had I not noticed sooner? What had I failed to do with Nora that I must have done with my other two kids? But the truth is, every kid is different. Some kids will have delays no matter what you do and no matter how soon you notice. What’s important is what you do once you realize there is a problem.

Here are some red flags to look out for, along with steps to take if you notice a delay.

Language Delay Red Flags

It is important to remember that all children develop at different rates, and seeing just one red flag on this chart reflected in your child does not mean he/she has a language delay. Instead, look at your child as a whole to decide if it’s time to talk to your pediatrician.

Expressive language is the way that someone expresses their needs, wants, and ideas.Expressive language ranges from using eye gaze to look at an object to using full sentences to retell an experience. The following are possible expressive language delay red flags for children under 3 years of age:

• Not cooing by 6 months of age
• Not babbling by 9 months of age
• Not having a first word by 15 months of age
• Not having consistent words by 18 months of age
• Not having two word combinations by 24 months of age
• Not being able to understand your child’s speech at 24 months of age
• Strangers not being able to understand your child’s speech at 36 months of age
• Not showing interest in communicating with others (at any age)

Receptive language is your ability to understand what is going on around you or what is being said to you. It ranges from imitating somebody’s actions to following directions. The following are possible receptive language delay red flags for children under 3 years of age:

• Not turning towards a noise like a rattle or voice by 6 months of age
• Not being able to follow simple one-step directions at 12 months of age (such as “bring me your cup”)
• Not being able to point to one body part by 18 months of age
• Not being able to follow simple two-step directions by 36 months of age (such as “pick up the ball and give it to me”)
• Not responding to simple questions by vocalizing or gesturing yes or no by 12 months of age
• Not understanding common gestures like holding your arms out for a hug (by 12 months of age) or holding up a hand for a high five (by 24 months of age).
• Not responding (with either gestures or vocalizations) to greetings by 12 months of age
• Not able to follow eye gaze or finger pointing when talking about an object by 24 months of age
• Not being able to point to 6 body parts by 30 months of age.

-Taken from the Kid’s Creek Therapy website

Steps To Take If You Notice a Delay:

1. Talk to your child’s pediatrician about your concerns. They can provide a medical diagnosis of expressive or receptive language delay that you can then take to the county. If the pediatrician doesn’t think you have cause for concern, you can still move forward to try to get early intervention, but it’s a little easier with their support.

2. If your child is under 3, call and schedule an evaluation at the Infant and Toddler Connection of VA. If your child is over 3 you’ll need to contact your local school district for a full evaluation.

3. The Infant and Toddler Connection of VA will have two different professionals evaluate your child, through observation and by having you fill out questionnaires, to determine if your child has a significant enough delay to qualify for early intervention.

4. If your child qualifies, you will work with his/her service coordinator to create an Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP) for your child. The plan includes current information about the child’s skills and both long and short term goals that you have for them.

5. Your child will be matched with a service provider who will come to your house or your child’s daycare for weekly therapy sessions that work around your schedule.

6. After both 6 months and one year of intervention the goals on the IFSP will be reviewed and modified as needed.

7. When your child turns three they will age-out of early intervention and it will be your decision if you want to continue services through your local school district. If you decide that it’s necessary, the process should begin months before your child’s birthday because the school district’s evaluation process is a lot more in depth and can take awhile.

Nora has been receiving services through the Infant and Toddler Connection now for just over a year and we have seen amazing growth! She still has difficulty being understood at times, but her vocabulary has grown from three words to hundreds of words. In fact, her speech therapist, (who is awesome, btw) and I agree that she won’t need to continue services once she turns three because we both know that she won’t qualify this time. She’s just made so much progress!

If you have a child that you’re concerned about, don’t hesitate to talk to his/her doctor and trust your instincts! You know your child better than anyone, and you know when something doesn’t feel right. If you have more questions, please feel free to reach out to me on Facebook or through email at agoodenoughmom@gmail.com and check out the links below.

♥ Erin

Useful Links:

Infant and Toddler Connection of VA- http://www.infantva.org

Henrico County Public Schools-http://henricoschools.us

Hanover County Public Schools- http://www.hcps.us

Chesterfield County Public Schools- http://mychesterfieldschools.com

More Info on Individualized Family Service Plans (IFSPs)

Simplified Language Delay Info

Nursery Rhymes to Help with Early Language Development

Mouth Exercises for Kids with Low Tone

Effective Speech Therapy Activities for Toddlers

Choosing Books for Language Development

Board Books for Children with Speech Delays

Ladies, being a mom can be a thankless and exhausting job.  I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit don’t have the patience or the unlimited energy to live up to the American fantasy of a “good mom”. A good mom makes healthy and nutritious meals for her family and serves them with a smile. A good mom keeps the house clean, does crafts, bakes cookies and still finds the time to drive her husband wild in the bedroom. Good lord, no one can honestly do all of that, day in and day out, at least not without some serious help. On bad days in my house, I keep the kids alive and don’t run down the street screaming, and I consider that a major win.

We all have days when we feel like we’ve got this parenting thing nailed, but there are always the flip-side days, the days when we JUST. CAN’T. EVEN. On those days, be kind to yourself. Ignore that voice in your head, you know the one, the one that says you’re a bad mom and that you’re doing it all wrong. Tell that hussy to shut up! Instead, try one of the strategies below. Pretty soon, the storm will pass and you’ll have discovered new motivation to be, not the best mom, but the best version of yourself that you can be.

(FYI- This is me trying to be the perfect mom all while keeping my cool, being a loving wife, writing stuff people actually want to read, working out, texting people back, drinking enough water, keeping a clean house all while staying sane.)

When You Lose Your Cool

Give yourself a timeout. When you’re feeling like an angry toddler, go ahead and treat yourself like one. Remove yourself from the situation that is making you frustrated for a minute or two. Your kids will be fine without you for a short time, and you’ll have taught them a healthy strategy for dealing with frustration. My go-to time out spot is the garage. While you’re away, take at least ten deep breaths and focus on why you are feeling so angry. Often, it has less to do with your child’s behavior and more with something within you. For example, when my kids don’t listen, it makes me feel unseen and this has always been a trigger for me. You can come back with new knowledge about yourself and maybe a better way to talk to your children about your anger.

Get outside. There’s just something special about getting out into the fresh air. It works wonders on humans of all ages. If you and your children or your spouse are having a rough day, go outside together and do something physical. Toddlers are so easily distracted that a little time having fun with you in the sunshine can really reset the entire day.

Dance it out. My family is all about a dance party. It puts a smile on everyone’s face. We take turns choosing the song and everyone has to dance whether you like the song or not. Spending time with my kids, watching them, without speaking, really puts me back into a place of love and helps the anger and frustration subside. How can you stay angry when you’re watching a two year old dance with abandon?

Try this awesome hair band tip from Kelly at Happy You, Happy Family. I read this last week and it really resonated with me. Reading that it takes five positive interactions to make up for every one negative interaction was heartbreaking. That’s why I think it’s so important to use this visual reminder to speak with kindness and love.

Read these tips from the book, Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham and beautifully summarized by Megan on her blog, The Boho Mama. 

When You Can’t Get Off The Couch

Create Your Top Three Tasks– Every morning, make a list of the top three tasks you need to accomplish that day. When you’re already feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated a twenty-plus item to do list can be incredibly daunting. However, prioritizing just three important tasks a day seems totally doable.

Itemize your to do list- This is my go-to strategy when my to-do list is getting out of control. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the list, I break the list up between the seven days in the week. Once the list is split up, it suddenly seems much more manageable and suddenly I can breathe again.

Start With What’s Easy– When you’re not feeling your best, don’t feel bad about just starting with what’s easy. Sometimes just getting off the couch and getting started is the most challenging part. When you start with one simple task, the others will fall into place.

Start Parenting Yourself– Please watch this TED Talk by Mel Robbins, How To Stop Screwing Yourself Over. It offers some truly life-changing ideas about getting things done and making the most out of your life. The part about parenting yourself really stuck with me. Whether it’s working out, finding a new job or potty training your child, you’re never going to “feel like it”. Use your best mom-voice, kindly tell yourself that it’s time to put on your big girl pants and get moving!

Make a different kind of list– To stay motivated sometimes you need to see what you’ve done. If you’re already feeling like a lazy good for nothing, it’s really easy to give up.  Instead, write a list of all of the positive things you accomplished that day. Be sure to include the basics like,  I took a shower and brushed my teeth. Put everything on there. When you see what you’ve accomplished, you’ll be more likely to stay motivated.

It’s so easy to get into a rut and fall into negative thought patterns, especially during the winter months. This winter has been particularly challenging for me, so I’m right there with you, but it’s almost behind us! Let’s go on a journey of self-discovery this month, just in time for Spring. Let’s forget about the “good mom” stereotypes and figure out what makes us happy, what motivates us, and let’s kick to the curb the things in our lives (fear, shame, negativity, toxic people, etc.) that are getting in the way! We got this!

♥ Erin

Wednesday is a magical day in my house. It is the day that my wonderful in-laws come and take baby N (not a baby, almost 3, but, dammit, my baby) for the day. On Wednesdays I always have a million and a half goals and plans for what I will accomplish in these 5 blissful hours between when they pick her up and when my big kids get off the bus. Of course, things don’t always go as planned.

Today I met my mother-in-law at Target.  I needed some new shirts as most of mine are too small. I’m going to lie to myself and say that it’s because of the new muscles I’ve developed in my arms. (Shut up! It could be true!) She took N to the playground and I walked happily into the store. Two and a half hours later I emerged, bewildered, clutching four large shopping bags and a grande iced vanilla latte. WTF, Target! Yeah, that’s right, I’m taking a lesson from my children, (and our president), and not taking personal responsibility for anything that happened during my visit into that shopping black hole.

Have you seen The Holderness Family’s Video below:

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Anyway, I had a point, and that point is…………..I did not get SHIT done today! My kids will be off the bus in less than an hour and I didn’t:

• Walk the dog.
• Start the three loads of laundry.
• Do my Beachbody On Demand workout (Brazil Butt Lift, if you must know. Nosy.).
• Clean the playroom, childrens’ rooms, bathroom, etc.
• Write anything for my blog other than this post about how I didn’t do anything.

I enjoyed my time in that black hole known as Target immensely, but as soon as I headed home, the guilt starts to set in. I didn’t get anything productive done! This is why I so rarely take these moments to myself. I want to veg in front of the TV or start a good book, but suddenly I remember that I didn’t start that soup that I told my kids they could have for dinner or I forgot to fill out forms and write checks for the after school program that starts next week. There is almost always something to do that I put ahead of making time for me. How can I just sit there and read or take a walk by myself? There is just so much to do! I don’t have the time.

Well, guess what? That is bullshit thinking. That is thinking that will leave you feeling depleted and taken for granted, and the only person you’ll have to blame is yourself. When your husband and kids see that you always drop what you’re doing for them, they start to think of that as the norm. You may feel like by doing this for them you are showing them that you love them, but all that you’re showing them is that you come last. We’ve all heard those sayings, “Put your oxygen mask on first.” or “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s time to take that message seriously.

Follow these steps:

1. Find a hobby that gets you time alone– At my house it’s my gardening. It gets me outside and alone a lot during the spring and summer. I highly recommend it. If you’re not into gardening, try running, blogging, joining a sports team or volunteering.
2. Disappear for at least 10 minutes every day- Meditate, Take a bath, Read, Journal- Do whatever makes you happy for 10 minutes or more and do it alone, away from your spouse and kids. If you are home by yourself, put the kids in front of a movie. You are not allowed to do any chores or productive work during this time!
3. Make plans to do nothing for an hour or more every week– It’s hard to carve out this kind of time as a mom, but it’s important. Talk to your spouse and put it on your calendar. This can be time away from the house or you can have your spouse or sitter take your children somewhere for a few hours and get time in your own house. For me, there is nothing better than being in my own home alone. Oh, beautiful silence, I’ve missed you!
4. Set boundaries– In life your children will need to learn to wait. Start teaching them that lesson now. It’s ok for you to say, “I’m busy right now, but I can help you when I finish my coffee.” or ” I’m talking to a grown-up right now and you need to wait your turn.” When your spouse asks you to run an errand for them, you can say no if  you don’t have the time or don’t think you can get your shit together to even make it out of the house. We’ve all had those days! Let your family know that you are human and you need to be taken care of sometimes too.

You don’t have to be the savior or the superhero of your family. They will still love you if you start taking care of yourself. It doesn’t have to be an either/or scenario. It’s that simple, ladies. Now get out there and do more nothing, by any means necessary!

♥ Erin

PS- Dads, if any of you are reading and feel annoyed that I only addressed moms here, I apologize. Most of the dads I know seem to already grasp the importance of doing nothing. In fact, my own husband is always preaching to me how I should do more nothing around here. If you’re one of those guys who never does nothing, you should start too!