Mom humor

Good Morning Ladies,

Are you like me? Do you constantly beat yourself up for not meeting your own impossible expectations? We all really need to cut that out right now!  When you become a mother, you don’t turn in your human card and you don’t suddenly stop having needs of your own. It’s about damn time we start giving ourselves the break we deserve!  This post is really like a therapy session for me, but I hope it can help all of you beautiful mamas to give the mom guilt a rest!

Today I Am Giving Myself Permission….

• To Take Time For Myself– It took me too long to stop equating going to Body Back or hiring a babysitter to go out to dinner as selfish. I used to only go out for the night after my kids were already asleep. Every parent needs time to themselves and time away from their kids to recharge their batteries. If I don’t take it, I can’t be the mom that my kids deserve.
• To Reach For That Second Cup of Coffee or Alcoholic Beverage- Yes, I may have a slight addiction to caffeine and I may use alcohol to relax after  bedtime, but back off! After all, the days are long, but the years are short. At least that’s what every sweet old lady at Target keeps telling me!

• To Say No– I’ve struggled with this my entire life, but it is ok to say no to friends and family when what they’re asking for just won’t work for you. I know it doesn’t feel good to have someone upset with you, but no one has ever died from disappointment. They’ll get over it and you’ll learn to put your own needs first.
• To Have My Own Tantrum– We deal with loads of obnoxious and frustrating things daily with patience and grace, but sometimes we’re having a bad day, we’re sick, it’s “shark week”, etc. and we just can’t take it anymore! You’re allowed to cry, yell, have a timeout outside, whatever you need.

• To Throw Away My Bathroom Scale– I need to do this for my own sanity, and I think you should too. Enough said.
• To Not Clean My House– This is not a, you shouldn’t clean your house because you should be busy playing with your kids, thing. This is a, put the vacuum away and let the dishes sit in the sink while you sit on the couch with a trashy magazine, thing. God knows you deserve a break!

• To Lock the Bathroom Door While I’m Taking a Bath– My kids can live without me for fifteen minutes. Yes kids, you do have two parents who are capable of opening the fridge.

• To Not Send That Thank You Note–  If you know me, please never send me another thank you note. I know you are thankful for me and I am thankful for you. I’m always forgetting to send them, especially for my kids’ birthdays, and, when I do remember, they are always late. We can’t be perfect, and that’s ok.
• To Let My Kids Watch Too Much TV– I know this is a hot topic, but sometimes I just have so much to get done and I can’t answer another question about which Pokemon I would want to be. It’s ok to let TV be your babysitter once in a while. I watched a ton of it as a kid and I turned out, debatably, fine!

• To Order Takeout- I love to cook and I do try to serve my kids a vegetable with every meal, but I’m no Gwyneth. My kids eat their fair share of McDonalds and Taco Bell, and they haven’t grown any extra body parts from all of that processed food yet!
• To Go To Bed at 9 pm on Friday With No Shame– I still love a good night out, but sometimes it’s ok to admit that you’re not as young as you used to be and turn in early. Most days I’m exhausted all afternoon, but then have trouble sleeping at night so now, when I get the urge to pass out right after my kids are in bed, I take it.

• To Lose My Temper– Yes, I yell at my kids. I get in bad moods, and I have bad days. I am not a perfect parent, and my kids don’t need me to be.
• To Love My Mom Bod– This has been especially tough as I inch closer to forty. My metabolism has slowed to an almost complete stop and, despite my best efforts, my weight has been creeping up. I’m trying to accept my new body, and, instead of being disappointed or critical, to remember everything that it has accomplished and to be grateful for how healthy it is overall.

• To Bust Out in Spontaneous Song and Dance When My Kids Leave for a Night at Their Grandparents’ House– I love my kids, but that doesn’t mean I have to spend every waking moment with them. It’s ok to be excited and happy to have some time away from them, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just makes you an honest one.

• To Take a Compliment– No more shrugging off compliments! No more, “Yeah, well, anyone can do that.” No more, “This, no, it’s not that special.” Let’s try, “Yes, you’re right. That does look great on me.” or, “Yes, I am awesome at that!” I mean, you don’t need to say that aloud, a simple thank you is great, but you get the point. Stop downplaying compliments! Now is the time to accept that you are awesome and appreciated!
• To Celebrate and Appreciate Myself– Why am I so good at loving and taking care of my family and friends, but horrible at being caring and kind to myself? We all deserve to be cared for and feel special, especially when we put so much time and effort into giving to others. Though it would be nice, I can’t expect someone else to do it for me. I’m working on loving and caring for myself by trying to treat myself the way I treat other people I care about. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there!

Just in case it wasn’t clear, I’m also giving YOU permission to do all of these things, and anything else you need to do to keep sane. Not that you need my permission, of course, but you can feel free to blame me if you get any negative feedback while you’re taking care of yourself for a change. In fact, you can even send me the complainer’s phone number. I’ll sort them out! And don’t forget:

♥ Erin

My two year old will soon become a threenager and, holy cannoli, is she feeling it! Maybe it’s a growth spurt. Maybe she’s cutting molars. I have no idea, and she’s not talking. What I do know is that her moods have been changing faster than a hormonal teenager, and just about everything and everyone in her life has the capacity to piss her off. So what’s the best way to deal with a toddler tantrum, and how can you stop them before they become a full-on meltdown?

Keep Kids Full and Rested. The most important thing you can do to avoid tantrums is to make sure your kids are getting enough sleep, eating enough at meal times and avoiding the crash that comes with eating too much sugar. I realize that this is easier said than done. We had a lot of sleep success after talking to Becca Campbell at Little Z’s Sleep Consulting. She also has a blog filled with great tips. For healthy eating ideas for toddlers, I recommend the following books: Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family by Ellyn Satter, and  Raising a Healthy, Happy Eater: A Parent’s Handbook by Nimali Fernando. Also, I’m planning on buying this book, Adventures in Veggieland: Help Your Kids Learn to Love Vegetables with 100 Easy Activities and Recipes by Melanie Potock when it comes out in a few weeks. It looks like so much fun! My favorite toddler eating tip was to fill a muffin tin with all different kinds of healthy snacks (baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, berries, nuts, seeds, granola, etc.) to make eating healthy more fun.

Respect His/Her Feelings– It’s important to make all children feel listened to and understood, even when you may think that they are being ridiculous. Acknowledge their feelings by verbalizing them or by expressing understanding. You can say things like, “You seem mad that you can’t have another cookie. It’s so frustrating when you can’t get what you want.” Depending on the child, you may want to follow up those words with a long hug. The contact and pressure of hugs have been proven to help many kids calm down.

Here are some other great ideas for what to say:

• “You are so mad. You are showing me how much you wanted that candy.” (Source)
• “I’m sorry you’re (state the emotion). When you calm down, I’ll give you a hug and we can talk about what happened.” (Source)
• Use reflection. For example, if his arms are crossed: “Your arms are going like this (cross your arms). Your face looks like this (mirror his facial expression).” He will probably look at you, so take a deep breath. He might unconsciously take a deep breath with you. Then say: “You seem (state the emotion). You were wanting (state the desire).” (Source)
• “I can see you’re really upset. I wish I could help you calm down right now. Here, why don’t you draw a picture that shows me how mad you are?” Replace drawing with any activity you think will be soothing to your kid or will help them redirect their energy to something positive. (Source)
• “I love you no matter what you say, and you’re a good kid. But we need to take a break and then talk about this.” (Source)

Distract and Redirect– Toddler moods are often ships passing in the night. Though they can easily become upset, they are often just as easily all smiles again if you can provide an attractive diversion. Sometimes toddlers are so wrapped up in their tantrums that they need you to help provide them with an “out”. Knowing what activities make your child happy, and using them to your advantage, can stop a tantrum in its tracks.  It could be as simple as pointing out a really cool truck or bringing out a game that you know your toddler loves to play. You know best what will work for your child.

Walk Away– If you’ve already acknowledged your child’s feelings and attempted to redirect them, without success, don’t drive yourself crazy trying to get them to stop. At this point, it’s ok to tell them that you’re going to give them some space while they calm down. Obviously, if you’re out in public or if your child is engaging in aggressive behaviors like kicking, head butting, etc. this doesn’t apply. However, if it’s your average tantrum, sometimes kids just need space and time to get their feelings out. Set a timer for a 2-5 minutes and then try again to offer hugs or to redirect.

Stay Strong. Sometimes tantrums seem to go on for hours, and those little terrors, um, I mean, toddlers, can really wear us down. Yes, it’s important to pick your battles, but once you’ve put your foot down and said no, it’s important that you stick to your word. This not only shows your child that no means no, but it teaches them that they can trust the words that you say.

The Gauntlet: Public Tantrums, Stay Calm and Get Out- If you’ve never been the victim of a public tantrum, believe you me, winter is coming. When my kids lose their shit in public I feel a mix of intense embarrassment and anger. This nasty cocktail makes it nearly impossible for me to keep my cool, but that is what we all need to do. When it’s your turn to be the one everyone is staring at in the Target checkout line, don’t yell, don’t bargain and don’t give in. Just leave your cart full of diapers, wine and clearance finds where it is, grab your child(ren), and silently whisk them off to your car. Everyone will be so impressed that you didn’t go medieval on your kids that they’ll forget all about the tantrum. You are not the first person this has happened to. There will be other parents staring at you, but don’t take those as stares of judgment. They are silent stares of solidarity and the desire to give you a hug and tell you that everything will be ok, but they don’t know you so that would be weird.

Be Proactive: I’m a reader and a planner so reading parenting books has always helped me to feel prepared for all of the parenting surprises coming my way. I haven’t actually been prepared, but at least I’ve felt better in between crises. Here are the books I’ve read over the last eight years that have helped me navigate parenthood:

1. Toddler 411: Clear Answers & Smart Advice for Your Toddler by Ari Brown and Denise Fields
2. Screamfree Parenting by Hal Runkel
3. Life Will Get Better: Simple Solutions for Parents of Children with Attention, Anxiety, Mood and Behavioral Challenges by Nicole Beurkens
4. No More Meltdowns: Positive Strategies for Managing and Preventing Out-Of-Control Behavior by Jed Baker
5. The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When The World Overwhelms Them by Elaine Aron
6. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
7. Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber

And if you just need more proof that you’re not the only one dealing with this crap, check out this book or this blog or this post.  We’ve all been there. Stay strong, and we’ll get through this together!

♥ Erin

Ladies, being a mom can be a thankless and exhausting job.  I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit don’t have the patience or the unlimited energy to live up to the American fantasy of a “good mom”. A good mom makes healthy and nutritious meals for her family and serves them with a smile. A good mom keeps the house clean, does crafts, bakes cookies and still finds the time to drive her husband wild in the bedroom. Good lord, no one can honestly do all of that, day in and day out, at least not without some serious help. On bad days in my house, I keep the kids alive and don’t run down the street screaming, and I consider that a major win.

We all have days when we feel like we’ve got this parenting thing nailed, but there are always the flip-side days, the days when we JUST. CAN’T. EVEN. On those days, be kind to yourself. Ignore that voice in your head, you know the one, the one that says you’re a bad mom and that you’re doing it all wrong. Tell that hussy to shut up! Instead, try one of the strategies below. Pretty soon, the storm will pass and you’ll have discovered new motivation to be, not the best mom, but the best version of yourself that you can be.

(FYI- This is me trying to be the perfect mom all while keeping my cool, being a loving wife, writing stuff people actually want to read, working out, texting people back, drinking enough water, keeping a clean house all while staying sane.)

When You Lose Your Cool

Give yourself a timeout. When you’re feeling like an angry toddler, go ahead and treat yourself like one. Remove yourself from the situation that is making you frustrated for a minute or two. Your kids will be fine without you for a short time, and you’ll have taught them a healthy strategy for dealing with frustration. My go-to time out spot is the garage. While you’re away, take at least ten deep breaths and focus on why you are feeling so angry. Often, it has less to do with your child’s behavior and more with something within you. For example, when my kids don’t listen, it makes me feel unseen and this has always been a trigger for me. You can come back with new knowledge about yourself and maybe a better way to talk to your children about your anger.

Get outside. There’s just something special about getting out into the fresh air. It works wonders on humans of all ages. If you and your children or your spouse are having a rough day, go outside together and do something physical. Toddlers are so easily distracted that a little time having fun with you in the sunshine can really reset the entire day.

Dance it out. My family is all about a dance party. It puts a smile on everyone’s face. We take turns choosing the song and everyone has to dance whether you like the song or not. Spending time with my kids, watching them, without speaking, really puts me back into a place of love and helps the anger and frustration subside. How can you stay angry when you’re watching a two year old dance with abandon?

Try this awesome hair band tip from Kelly at Happy You, Happy Family. I read this last week and it really resonated with me. Reading that it takes five positive interactions to make up for every one negative interaction was heartbreaking. That’s why I think it’s so important to use this visual reminder to speak with kindness and love.

Read these tips from the book, Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham and beautifully summarized by Megan on her blog, The Boho Mama. 

When You Can’t Get Off The Couch

Create Your Top Three Tasks– Every morning, make a list of the top three tasks you need to accomplish that day. When you’re already feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated a twenty-plus item to do list can be incredibly daunting. However, prioritizing just three important tasks a day seems totally doable.

Itemize your to do list- This is my go-to strategy when my to-do list is getting out of control. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the list, I break the list up between the seven days in the week. Once the list is split up, it suddenly seems much more manageable and suddenly I can breathe again.

Start With What’s Easy– When you’re not feeling your best, don’t feel bad about just starting with what’s easy. Sometimes just getting off the couch and getting started is the most challenging part. When you start with one simple task, the others will fall into place.

Start Parenting Yourself– Please watch this TED Talk by Mel Robbins, How To Stop Screwing Yourself Over. It offers some truly life-changing ideas about getting things done and making the most out of your life. The part about parenting yourself really stuck with me. Whether it’s working out, finding a new job or potty training your child, you’re never going to “feel like it”. Use your best mom-voice, kindly tell yourself that it’s time to put on your big girl pants and get moving!

Make a different kind of list– To stay motivated sometimes you need to see what you’ve done. If you’re already feeling like a lazy good for nothing, it’s really easy to give up.  Instead, write a list of all of the positive things you accomplished that day. Be sure to include the basics like,  I took a shower and brushed my teeth. Put everything on there. When you see what you’ve accomplished, you’ll be more likely to stay motivated.

It’s so easy to get into a rut and fall into negative thought patterns, especially during the winter months. This winter has been particularly challenging for me, so I’m right there with you, but it’s almost behind us! Let’s go on a journey of self-discovery this month, just in time for Spring. Let’s forget about the “good mom” stereotypes and figure out what makes us happy, what motivates us, and let’s kick to the curb the things in our lives (fear, shame, negativity, toxic people, etc.) that are getting in the way! We got this!

♥ Erin

Wednesday is a magical day in my house. It is the day that my wonderful in-laws come and take baby N (not a baby, almost 3, but, dammit, my baby) for the day. On Wednesdays I always have a million and a half goals and plans for what I will accomplish in these 5 blissful hours between when they pick her up and when my big kids get off the bus. Of course, things don’t always go as planned.

Today I met my mother-in-law at Target.  I needed some new shirts as most of mine are too small. I’m going to lie to myself and say that it’s because of the new muscles I’ve developed in my arms. (Shut up! It could be true!) She took N to the playground and I walked happily into the store. Two and a half hours later I emerged, bewildered, clutching four large shopping bags and a grande iced vanilla latte. WTF, Target! Yeah, that’s right, I’m taking a lesson from my children, (and our president), and not taking personal responsibility for anything that happened during my visit into that shopping black hole.

Have you seen The Holderness Family’s Video below:

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Anyway, I had a point, and that point is…………..I did not get SHIT done today! My kids will be off the bus in less than an hour and I didn’t:

• Walk the dog.
• Start the three loads of laundry.
• Do my Beachbody On Demand workout (Brazil Butt Lift, if you must know. Nosy.).
• Clean the playroom, childrens’ rooms, bathroom, etc.
• Write anything for my blog other than this post about how I didn’t do anything.

I enjoyed my time in that black hole known as Target immensely, but as soon as I headed home, the guilt starts to set in. I didn’t get anything productive done! This is why I so rarely take these moments to myself. I want to veg in front of the TV or start a good book, but suddenly I remember that I didn’t start that soup that I told my kids they could have for dinner or I forgot to fill out forms and write checks for the after school program that starts next week. There is almost always something to do that I put ahead of making time for me. How can I just sit there and read or take a walk by myself? There is just so much to do! I don’t have the time.

Well, guess what? That is bullshit thinking. That is thinking that will leave you feeling depleted and taken for granted, and the only person you’ll have to blame is yourself. When your husband and kids see that you always drop what you’re doing for them, they start to think of that as the norm. You may feel like by doing this for them you are showing them that you love them, but all that you’re showing them is that you come last. We’ve all heard those sayings, “Put your oxygen mask on first.” or “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s time to take that message seriously.

Follow these steps:

1. Find a hobby that gets you time alone– At my house it’s my gardening. It gets me outside and alone a lot during the spring and summer. I highly recommend it. If you’re not into gardening, try running, blogging, joining a sports team or volunteering.
2. Disappear for at least 10 minutes every day- Meditate, Take a bath, Read, Journal- Do whatever makes you happy for 10 minutes or more and do it alone, away from your spouse and kids. If you are home by yourself, put the kids in front of a movie. You are not allowed to do any chores or productive work during this time!
3. Make plans to do nothing for an hour or more every week– It’s hard to carve out this kind of time as a mom, but it’s important. Talk to your spouse and put it on your calendar. This can be time away from the house or you can have your spouse or sitter take your children somewhere for a few hours and get time in your own house. For me, there is nothing better than being in my own home alone. Oh, beautiful silence, I’ve missed you!
4. Set boundaries– In life your children will need to learn to wait. Start teaching them that lesson now. It’s ok for you to say, “I’m busy right now, but I can help you when I finish my coffee.” or ” I’m talking to a grown-up right now and you need to wait your turn.” When your spouse asks you to run an errand for them, you can say no if  you don’t have the time or don’t think you can get your shit together to even make it out of the house. We’ve all had those days! Let your family know that you are human and you need to be taken care of sometimes too.

You don’t have to be the savior or the superhero of your family. They will still love you if you start taking care of yourself. It doesn’t have to be an either/or scenario. It’s that simple, ladies. Now get out there and do more nothing, by any means necessary!

♥ Erin

PS- Dads, if any of you are reading and feel annoyed that I only addressed moms here, I apologize. Most of the dads I know seem to already grasp the importance of doing nothing. In fact, my own husband is always preaching to me how I should do more nothing around here. If you’re one of those guys who never does nothing, you should start too!

My husband and I have been taking a week-long, kid-free couples trip every October for the past five years. This week we’re in Punta Cana, but for me, we could be anywhere because, (did I mention this trip was kid-free) hey, no kids!! I love my kids dearly, but once a year it’s ok to take a break and just be adults for a week. Here are some scenes from my life last week to help explain to you why I need (and goddamn deserve) a vacation, before I become a raging alcoholic:

1. My two year old started climbing out of her crib- She climbs out for every nap time, at bedtime and every night around 2:30 AM.

2.  I watched more than 30 episodes of Sofia the First and the songs from the show are permanently jammed into my think box. (Yes, my kid watches too much TV. Judge away.)

3. While I was cleaning the toddler’s room, the big kids made “healthy” smoothies of fruit snacks, tomatoes, nutella and bananas and proudly brought them upstairs for me to taste. Spoiler alert: They tasted chunky.

4. The dog ate some herbs from the garden and was puking everywhere. Fennel is not a dog food, Biscuit!

5. My five year old has developed some serious attitude since starting kindergarten. Last week she actually told me to, “Try to keep up, Mom!” when I was not understanding the 35 minute, rambling story she was telling me.

6. My in-laws and I took the kids to the VA State Fair. ‘Nuff said, Am I right, Ladies? Though I did get to have a gyro and some funnel cake.

7. My seven year old still has tantrums, almost. every. damn. day! These usually happen after school, or when he is hungry, or when he is tired, or when he isn’t getting what he wants, or when he wants something new after already getting something he wanted, or when he can’t get his shoes on, or, or, or, AAAAHHHH!

8. Now that my toddler climbs out of her bed, we have three kids in our bed every night, and they all want to snuggle with mom. How did I get so lucky?! I know I’ll probably miss this someday, but damn, not today!

9. Every morning, my husband and I have to drag our kids, and ourselves, out of bed to get the big kids on the bus by 7:05. My husband is the only morning person in the house. Needless to say, it’s a total shit show.

10. My baby just turned 2 1/2 and I’m in a glass case of emotion!! I’m simultaneously feeling depressed about the fact that she’s no longer a baby and terrified because I remember the switch that was flipped when my other two reached that age. So many tantrums!

VACATION!!!!!!!!

So, yeah, it’s vacation time, and I’m not going to feel guilty about that. My kids get to spend the week with my in-laws who take great care of them, take them fun places and spoil them rotten, and my husband and I can rest, connect and come back ready to conquer the sugar and junk food detox the kids will surely need!

♥ Erin

I had my birthday over the weekend. Yes, now I’ve had 37 birthdays, (In a row? Sorry, if you’ve ever seen Clerks you know why I just couldn’t resist. This is my favorite thing about turning 37!) I took my kids to Ohio to visit my mom. I had a really great visit with her, and I even got to go out for a birthday dinner with some great, old friends. I know that I truly am blessed, but during my seven hour drive home, alone with my three children, I couldn’t help but think about how different birthdays are nowadays, compared to my kid-free birthdays of the past. I am a big nerd, so let me spell it out for you in true nerd fashion, with a beautiful table:

Carefree Birthdays      vs.       Birthdays with Kids

Though it can feel hilariously horrible at times how much our birthdays have changed, there was still plenty to love about this birthday. My kindergartener was obsessed with planning a surprise party for me. She was so excited and pleased with herself after she decorated my birthday chair and made me birthday posters. My son bought me a blue velvet pumpkin because he knows how much I love the color blue. How can I not love that? We might not get the birthday of our childhood dreams, and it’s definitely not all about us anymore, but the love is still there in spades. Reach out in the comments and let me know how much your birthday has changed since having kids.

♥ Erin