Hey you guys, getting older is hard as shit! I’m just going to lay it all out there. Since I turned thirty-six last September, I’ve gained about fifteen pounds. The first seven of those were gained mysteriously. I’d been eating healthy about 80% of the time and not eating junk food or drinking any more than usual. I tried dieting and working out more frequently, but the number on the scale just would not budge! The last eight pounds were not a great mystery. Frustrated by seeing no visible progress on the scale or in how my clothes fit, I just said F*&! it! I wasn’t binge eating, but I let myself have those fries with my sandwich, that extra beer during dinner and ice cream with the kids (none of that frozen yogurt bullshit!).
Now I know that I’ve been lucky the first thirty-five years of my life. I’ve always loved fruits and vegetables and grew up living in a house where they were an important part of our diet. I had a fast metabolism that allowed me to eat and drink whatever I wanted in moderation and still stay fairly slim. During college I picked up the healthy habits we so frequently hear about, but had ignored all through my teen years. What a cruel trick that all the healthy things I’d been doing to keep my body slim for a decade and a half: swap soda for water, get 10,000 steps a day, eat whole grains, etc, suddenly weren’t working anymore. And why the hell does no one prepare you for this? Maybe they did, but I just didn’t want to listen. It seems like letting me know that one Dove promise would have the same effect on my waistline as a pint of ice cream would be a worthwhile topic for my GP to talk to me about, right?
I know we’re expected to be above it all. I realize that I am incredibly lucky to have this healthy body that can exercise and play with my kids. There are plenty of people out there with much bigger weight struggles and more serious health issues. However, I don’t think that means that I can’t verbalize the frustration I’ve been feeling about how much harder I have to work these days to see even a small amount of change. It’s also a struggle to decide if I should just stop making the effort at all. I love food and beer. If being fifteen pounds lighter means I can’t ever eat pasta or drink my favorite IPA then, is it really worth it? Wouldn’t I rather be heavier, but still enjoy my life?
Over the last few months I’ve been squeezing my body into the sausage casings that are my shorts and jeans that I wore comfortably last summer. Finally last night I decided enough is enough. I swallowed my pride and did something I’d been dreading: I shopped for pants to find out my new size. It was a little demoralizing, but I found some things that I feel comfortable in. Now I can stop feeling shame and guilt every time I try on my too-tight shorts. This may not be my body forever, but it is the body I have now. I may not be able to embrace it yet, but I will try to accept it.
My body and I have been through a lot together. In the very early years we lived through sexual abuse. Later, we walked away from that relationship together. We’ve gone through morning sickness and childbirth three times. Sometimes we’ve eaten clean. Countless other times, we’ve binged on Tostitos lime chips and salsa. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a process, and my aging metabolism is just another bump in the road. My body and I have worked through tougher things than this and came out stronger. I may not know where we’re headed now, but I’m going to trust that we’ll work together to get to somewhere comfortable for both of us. I’ll keep you posted.
How has aging changed your relationship with your body? If you have any advice or insights, please leave them in the comments.
🙂 Erin
I can completely relate to this and it’s so difficult to deal with the surprise fit of your jeans or the number on the scale. Women should remember that taking extreme measures to lose weight or prevent weight gain will come back to haunt you when you’re older. I think I really screwed up my metabolism by sucumbing to fad diets or quick weight loss gimmicks. Now I’m just trying to eat enough of the good foods so that very little room is left for the things I shouldn’t eat. I’m also trying not to keep “blowing it” when I’ve blown it on just one indulgence. It’s a slow process but much healthier in the long run.
Yes, Michelle! It’s so easy to just say, I give up and keep eating badly after blowing it one time. We’re all a work in progress! I’m glad you’ve figured out what works for you.
I hear you my dear – always learning and adjusting to our complex machines / bodies. A number of years ago a bunch of us were bitching about the very thing and I mentioned never quite losing my baby weight. A person nearby ( who obviously didn’t really know me) asked – how old is your baby? My answer? 18!
Haha, Randy! I’m glad I’m not the only one! I lost the baby weight, but somehow it found me again!!