mom truths

Good Morning Ladies,

Are you like me? Do you constantly beat yourself up for not meeting your own impossible expectations? We all really need to cut that out right now!  When you become a mother, you don’t turn in your human card and you don’t suddenly stop having needs of your own. It’s about damn time we start giving ourselves the break we deserve!  This post is really like a therapy session for me, but I hope it can help all of you beautiful mamas to give the mom guilt a rest!

Today I Am Giving Myself Permission….

• To Take Time For Myself– It took me too long to stop equating going to Body Back or hiring a babysitter to go out to dinner as selfish. I used to only go out for the night after my kids were already asleep. Every parent needs time to themselves and time away from their kids to recharge their batteries. If I don’t take it, I can’t be the mom that my kids deserve.
• To Reach For That Second Cup of Coffee or Alcoholic Beverage- Yes, I may have a slight addiction to caffeine and I may use alcohol to relax after  bedtime, but back off! After all, the days are long, but the years are short. At least that’s what every sweet old lady at Target keeps telling me!

• To Say No– I’ve struggled with this my entire life, but it is ok to say no to friends and family when what they’re asking for just won’t work for you. I know it doesn’t feel good to have someone upset with you, but no one has ever died from disappointment. They’ll get over it and you’ll learn to put your own needs first.
• To Have My Own Tantrum– We deal with loads of obnoxious and frustrating things daily with patience and grace, but sometimes we’re having a bad day, we’re sick, it’s “shark week”, etc. and we just can’t take it anymore! You’re allowed to cry, yell, have a timeout outside, whatever you need.

• To Throw Away My Bathroom Scale– I need to do this for my own sanity, and I think you should too. Enough said.
• To Not Clean My House– This is not a, you shouldn’t clean your house because you should be busy playing with your kids, thing. This is a, put the vacuum away and let the dishes sit in the sink while you sit on the couch with a trashy magazine, thing. God knows you deserve a break!

• To Lock the Bathroom Door While I’m Taking a Bath– My kids can live without me for fifteen minutes. Yes kids, you do have two parents who are capable of opening the fridge.

• To Not Send That Thank You Note–  If you know me, please never send me another thank you note. I know you are thankful for me and I am thankful for you. I’m always forgetting to send them, especially for my kids’ birthdays, and, when I do remember, they are always late. We can’t be perfect, and that’s ok.
• To Let My Kids Watch Too Much TV– I know this is a hot topic, but sometimes I just have so much to get done and I can’t answer another question about which Pokemon I would want to be. It’s ok to let TV be your babysitter once in a while. I watched a ton of it as a kid and I turned out, debatably, fine!

• To Order Takeout- I love to cook and I do try to serve my kids a vegetable with every meal, but I’m no Gwyneth. My kids eat their fair share of McDonalds and Taco Bell, and they haven’t grown any extra body parts from all of that processed food yet!
• To Go To Bed at 9 pm on Friday With No Shame– I still love a good night out, but sometimes it’s ok to admit that you’re not as young as you used to be and turn in early. Most days I’m exhausted all afternoon, but then have trouble sleeping at night so now, when I get the urge to pass out right after my kids are in bed, I take it.

• To Lose My Temper– Yes, I yell at my kids. I get in bad moods, and I have bad days. I am not a perfect parent, and my kids don’t need me to be.
• To Love My Mom Bod– This has been especially tough as I inch closer to forty. My metabolism has slowed to an almost complete stop and, despite my best efforts, my weight has been creeping up. I’m trying to accept my new body, and, instead of being disappointed or critical, to remember everything that it has accomplished and to be grateful for how healthy it is overall.

• To Bust Out in Spontaneous Song and Dance When My Kids Leave for a Night at Their Grandparents’ House– I love my kids, but that doesn’t mean I have to spend every waking moment with them. It’s ok to be excited and happy to have some time away from them, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just makes you an honest one.

• To Take a Compliment– No more shrugging off compliments! No more, “Yeah, well, anyone can do that.” No more, “This, no, it’s not that special.” Let’s try, “Yes, you’re right. That does look great on me.” or, “Yes, I am awesome at that!” I mean, you don’t need to say that aloud, a simple thank you is great, but you get the point. Stop downplaying compliments! Now is the time to accept that you are awesome and appreciated!
• To Celebrate and Appreciate Myself– Why am I so good at loving and taking care of my family and friends, but horrible at being caring and kind to myself? We all deserve to be cared for and feel special, especially when we put so much time and effort into giving to others. Though it would be nice, I can’t expect someone else to do it for me. I’m working on loving and caring for myself by trying to treat myself the way I treat other people I care about. It’s a work in progress, but I’m getting there!

Just in case it wasn’t clear, I’m also giving YOU permission to do all of these things, and anything else you need to do to keep sane. Not that you need my permission, of course, but you can feel free to blame me if you get any negative feedback while you’re taking care of yourself for a change. In fact, you can even send me the complainer’s phone number. I’ll sort them out! And don’t forget:

♥ Erin

It’s almost summer! This is mostly thrilling, especially after the winter and 2nd winter we’ve had, but is anyone else kicking themselves for not sticking to their New Year’s resolutions to eat healthier and workout more? I am no where near where I hoped I’d be with swimsuit season looming, but really, who gives a fuck!? Can we all promise to quit the body shaming this summer and instead focus on our mental health with self-love and self-care?

My June-olutions:

I will praise my body for being healthy and strong enough to give birth, feed and care for my baby. It’s easy to get caught up in what our bodies are not. However, when we spend all our time focusing on losing the baby weight, or just finding our abs again (speaking from personal experience here), we lose sight of everything our bodies have done and continue to do every day. Our bodies have so much more to offer than just perky boobs and a flat stomach.

I will look in the mirror and give myself at least one compliment every day. Doing the opposite is so much easier, I grant you, but why are we doing that crap to ourselves. I know you’re all hot mamas and there has to be at least one thing you like about your bodies. If you’re still having trouble, ask a girl friend because, I assure you, they will have a list of your finest attributes ready to go before you finish asking the question.

I will be more active with my family. Working out seven days a week is a great goal, but it’s not always doable. If instead you resolve to play, to run, to wrestle with your kids, you’ll be working out without even knowing it and having a blast in the process. If you have older kids, try signing up for some fun runs or walks together, start family karate lessons or go ice skating.

I will laugh more. We should all strive for more laughter this year! Let’s laugh more with our kids. Let’s laugh more at ourselves. Let’s see life for the crazy, sometimes painful, sometimes joy-filled, roller coaster ride that it is and just laugh!

I will remove the words, “I’m fine”, from my vocabulary. Sometimes you are just NOT fine! Be honest with your family and, especially, be honest with yourself. Talk to your spouse when you are angry or hurt. When a trusted friend or family member asks how you are and you’re really struggling, by all means, share with them. You’re not a burden to them. They love you and will gladly take time to be there for you. It’s ok to not be ok all of the time.

I will make the invisible visible. The hardest part of motherhood has to be the mental workload. Someone has to remember to schedule the well check-ups, research preschools and remember to pick up a gift for some random two year old’s birthday party. It’s easy to ask your spouse to do the dishes or change the laundry, but all of this other invisible work typically goes unnoticed. The pressure to be on top of everything all of the time is exhausting! Get your spouse in on the invisible work by asking them to pick out that gift or to research and find a good and reliable babysitter. The world doesn’t have to rest on your shoulders!

 I will ask for help when I need it. This goes along with the last two, and it is something I struggled with even before having kids. You DO NOT get extra good mom points for doing everything completely on your own. When a friend notices the overwhelmed look on your face and asks if they can keep your kids for a few hours, let them. When the bagger at the grocery store sees you have your hands full and asks if they can walk you out to your car, let them. When you’re sick and can barely get out of bed, ask your husband to come home from work early or call a babysitter. No one can do this job completely alone, so cut the shit and accept the help!

I will be as kind to myself as I expect other people to be to my kids. OMG, I go full Mama Bear when I think someone is being cruel or unfair to my kids! Why, then, do I allow myself to say such horrible things about another person I claim to love, me! If I heard someone calling my kids fat, stupid or useless, there is honestly no telling what I’d do, but I’m guessing it would involve fire.

I will believe that I am enough. Being perfect is not the goal, unless you’re going for being perfectly average, but, honestly, some days I can’t even claim that. We need to remember that, while we struggle to plan the world’s most Pinterest perfect first birthday party or blame our kids’ minor illnesses on our lack of perfect housekeeping skills, our kids eyes are lighting up every time we enter a room. We are not perfect, and they could not love us more!

I will put my oxygen mask on first. This one is all about self-care. I know we all want to be great mothers, wives, daughters, etc., but that simply can’t be accomplished if we are too sleep-deprived, overwhelmed or depressed to function. If you’re not already doing this, please take time out for yourself. Lock yourself in the bathroom and meditate for five minutes. Go to a Moms Night Out and commiserate with other moms who’ve been there. Tell your spouse (Don’t ask!) that you’re going out to Target, and spend an hour mindlessly wandering the aisles. It will help. If that’s not enough, please find a therapist. Ask a mom you trust. You may think you’re the only one struggling and needing therapy, but you are not alone. It’s not a failure to admit that you need more help. In fact, it’s the bravest thing you can do for yourself and for your family.

I hope this summer brings you every happiness and the knowledge that you are strong, worthy and beautiful women that your sons and daughters can look up to.

♥ Erin

Wednesday is a magical day in my house. It is the day that my wonderful in-laws come and take baby N (not a baby, almost 3, but, dammit, my baby) for the day. On Wednesdays I always have a million and a half goals and plans for what I will accomplish in these 5 blissful hours between when they pick her up and when my big kids get off the bus. Of course, things don’t always go as planned.

Today I met my mother-in-law at Target.  I needed some new shirts as most of mine are too small. I’m going to lie to myself and say that it’s because of the new muscles I’ve developed in my arms. (Shut up! It could be true!) She took N to the playground and I walked happily into the store. Two and a half hours later I emerged, bewildered, clutching four large shopping bags and a grande iced vanilla latte. WTF, Target! Yeah, that’s right, I’m taking a lesson from my children, (and our president), and not taking personal responsibility for anything that happened during my visit into that shopping black hole.

Have you seen The Holderness Family’s Video below:

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Anyway, I had a point, and that point is…………..I did not get SHIT done today! My kids will be off the bus in less than an hour and I didn’t:

• Walk the dog.
• Start the three loads of laundry.
• Do my Beachbody On Demand workout (Brazil Butt Lift, if you must know. Nosy.).
• Clean the playroom, childrens’ rooms, bathroom, etc.
• Write anything for my blog other than this post about how I didn’t do anything.

I enjoyed my time in that black hole known as Target immensely, but as soon as I headed home, the guilt starts to set in. I didn’t get anything productive done! This is why I so rarely take these moments to myself. I want to veg in front of the TV or start a good book, but suddenly I remember that I didn’t start that soup that I told my kids they could have for dinner or I forgot to fill out forms and write checks for the after school program that starts next week. There is almost always something to do that I put ahead of making time for me. How can I just sit there and read or take a walk by myself? There is just so much to do! I don’t have the time.

Well, guess what? That is bullshit thinking. That is thinking that will leave you feeling depleted and taken for granted, and the only person you’ll have to blame is yourself. When your husband and kids see that you always drop what you’re doing for them, they start to think of that as the norm. You may feel like by doing this for them you are showing them that you love them, but all that you’re showing them is that you come last. We’ve all heard those sayings, “Put your oxygen mask on first.” or “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s time to take that message seriously.

Follow these steps:

1. Find a hobby that gets you time alone– At my house it’s my gardening. It gets me outside and alone a lot during the spring and summer. I highly recommend it. If you’re not into gardening, try running, blogging, joining a sports team or volunteering.
2. Disappear for at least 10 minutes every day- Meditate, Take a bath, Read, Journal- Do whatever makes you happy for 10 minutes or more and do it alone, away from your spouse and kids. If you are home by yourself, put the kids in front of a movie. You are not allowed to do any chores or productive work during this time!
3. Make plans to do nothing for an hour or more every week– It’s hard to carve out this kind of time as a mom, but it’s important. Talk to your spouse and put it on your calendar. This can be time away from the house or you can have your spouse or sitter take your children somewhere for a few hours and get time in your own house. For me, there is nothing better than being in my own home alone. Oh, beautiful silence, I’ve missed you!
4. Set boundaries– In life your children will need to learn to wait. Start teaching them that lesson now. It’s ok for you to say, “I’m busy right now, but I can help you when I finish my coffee.” or ” I’m talking to a grown-up right now and you need to wait your turn.” When your spouse asks you to run an errand for them, you can say no if  you don’t have the time or don’t think you can get your shit together to even make it out of the house. We’ve all had those days! Let your family know that you are human and you need to be taken care of sometimes too.

You don’t have to be the savior or the superhero of your family. They will still love you if you start taking care of yourself. It doesn’t have to be an either/or scenario. It’s that simple, ladies. Now get out there and do more nothing, by any means necessary!

♥ Erin

PS- Dads, if any of you are reading and feel annoyed that I only addressed moms here, I apologize. Most of the dads I know seem to already grasp the importance of doing nothing. In fact, my own husband is always preaching to me how I should do more nothing around here. If you’re one of those guys who never does nothing, you should start too!